I lived in, around, and beneath fear. My life was covered in fear. I had false expectations that appeared real to me. Why, because I refused to face and overcome my past obstacles and pain. I indulged in a non-reality vision of being happy and prosperous, yet I had no faith, plans, goals, or ideas. My fear of being the best, beautiful, intelligent, confident, secure, authentic, transparent, honest, loyal, happy and successful was all a dream to me because I was covered in fear and not faith. My biggest fear was amounting to nothing after thirty years of uncertainties, toxicity, and abuse. I didn’t want to face my fears because, to me, there was nothing in my reality.
How many of you feel the way I did or close to what I felt?
Since Perfectly Planned, I have changed thousands of lives. Since Perfectly Planned, I have learned to love myself, and feel confident of who I could become. Perfectly Planned was the beginning of me Transforming Lives Worldwide. Over the last 11 years, I have increased my confidence, self-esteem, because vulnerable and transparent. In essence, I have discovered what my purpose in life was. Had I allowed my fears to stop me, I would not be a six-time award-winning author, international health, and wellness coach and speaker. On the other side of my worries and yours, is a great opportunity.
Since Perfectly Planned, I have a wonderful husband who loves me with every fiber of his being. Since Perfectly Planned, I have spoken for the educational and the prison system, law schools, Non-for-Profit and youth organizations, and so much more. Since Perfectly Planned, I have written five more books; ‘Perfectly Planned’ (Workbook and Guide to Releasing Pain Associated with Child Abuse,’ ‘Overcoming Toxic Relationships’ and ‘Mental Makeover.’ I also authored ‘It’s All About Life’ (Book of Poems) and ‘Detox or Diet’ (Closing the Gap Between Dis-Ease and Death). Since Perfectly Planned, I resigned from my staff position as a Medical Technologist (over 22 years in health care) and can now focus on my purpose in life. Since Perfectly Planned, I am no longer afraid to face any fears. Last year on my husband’s birthday, I rode ten rollercoasters that I feared since I was 19 years young. That was a whopping 27 years later. WOW.
Since Perfectly Planned, I received my Certification as a Life, Health & Wellness Coach and is less than a year away from my Masters in Social Work degree where I will then be able to accept insurance as a form of payment for clients. Yes! It gets better, I am a member of the National Society of Leadership and Success, the National Association of Social Workers, and the American Society of Clinical Pathologist and recently was invited to join the National Honors Society. How cool is that? Once I was able to face my pain and release some fears, I was able to initiate the path I walk today; purpose and greatness.
Fears are not real as they are a creation of your mind. Fear is a LIE, and you are the creator of your worries. Do yourself and me a favor; focus on your desires, not your fears. When we focus on concerns, believe it or not, your worries will become a real thing, and then you will say, see I told you. How about if you focus on your desires and bring them into fruition and then how would it feel to say, see I told you?
Fear only occurs as we disconnect from the divine source within. Fear is nothing but focusing on our limited thoughts and belief systems. It is time for you to learn how to shift your paradigm and create a new narrative.
Listed below are a few things I currently do to shift away from fears and onto my desires.
Breathe: Acknowledge that the fear exists and be mindful; shift to the present moment and breathe. Breathing brings you back to the present moment and away from your worries. Click here and watch the video on how to breathe correctly. The link will open to another page, just remember to come back and finish the blog. (-:
Practice Mindfulness: Most of our thoughts are harmful, and, unfortunately, we give them more energy. Instead, do this, counteract the ideas with a positive one. For instance, if you think you are going to fail an exam, think, I have passed it already. Also, if your thought is negative about you, try this. Say, I am not my thoughts, nor am I my emotions, I am a spiritual being experiencing the human experience.
Gratitude: Write down ten things you are grateful for as that will shift your perspective to a happy place. Gratitude opens us up to receive more to be thankful for. Think of those things that made or makes you happy and write them down. Once you do that, close your eyes and the first technique, breathe.
Perspective: Put things into perspective. Is your fear genuine? Your concern is based on how you see the particular situations that scare you. What is the worst that could happen? Analyze that; how bad is it or is the outcome horrible?
Focus on your Desires: When you recognize you are in a fearful state, think of something you desire and focus all of your energy on that. In fact, repeat that thing on your head for at least 30 seconds and watch the shift occur.
In essence, your mind is on autopilot and has about 60-70,000 thoughts per day. Most are negative and that alone will provoke fear. If you are willing to try the list above, I can guarantee, you will learn to release your fears. If you need further assistance, please complete the form below. I would love to help you create the best version of yourself.
Thank you for reading and please do, share your thoughts in the comment section.
Thank you for stopping by as always, my goal is to empower and transform your life using my life’s experiences, wisdom, and education.
In life, you will encounter energy snatching experiences, and within this blog, my goal is to help you reclaim your lost energy and use it for something meaningful in your life. When you think of the word recap or recapitulation, you might envision reflecting on something that happened before today. However, recapitulation delves a little bit deeper. Within this blog, I share with you how to use the spiritual process of recapitulation for empowering purposes and raising your vibrations.
What is Recapitulation? Recapitulation is a spiritual exercise through which we identify and repossess the lost parts of ourselves or the lost energy. It is specifically going back to the experiences that were emotionally draining such as trauma, disagreements, breakups, loss, etc., and taking our power back.
Through this process, we intentionally and consciously revisit all the experiences that our emotional energy was lost or taken away and we invite that energy back into our lives so that we can channel it towards something positive, beautiful and meaningful. In doing so, we recapture parts of ourselves for rebuilding ourselves our higher self so that we can live an authentic life filled with balance love, inner joy, and freedom.
When we lose our energy to emotional disagreements, we lack the energy needed to fuel, nurture and support our higher selves. When we recapitulate that lost power, we can then use it to feed the things in our lives that are purposeful.
My Recapitulation When I was sexually molested as a child and for many years, I felt lost, insecure, miserable, defeated, suicidal, homicidal and more. When I was twenty-six, I revisited that experience with the intent to find something positive. It took me another two years to do so, but even then I still felt like I was missing something. When I turned thirty-eight years old, I decided to revisit that experience, release everything and take my power, and energy back and it worked. Today, I have written six books and working on my seventh, spoken at numerous organizations, and is a Certified Life, Health, and Wellness Coach. That same energy I lost is the same energy I use to recreate my life.
When I challenged my son’s school and teacher for forcing him to stand up and recite the Pledge of Allegiance, the teacher’s ignored my request for him to sit silently. The faculty and one of the deans harassed my son, and the superintendent ignored me. During that experience, the school police officer criminalized my son right to my face. I had to get the news, and the American Humanist Society involved so that my child’s teacher was held accountable, and she was. Although I got what I wanted, that entire experience left me angry and emotionally drained. After that, every time I went to my son’s school, I felt angry and refused to have any dialogue with anyone that was involved. However, after recapitulation, I redirected that energy towards my purpose in life. So, now I’m in graduate school for Social Work, and upon graduation, I can assist in reforming educational laws, advocate for black boys and continue to heal the masses.
The Practice Once you identify the experience that drained your energy, you can begin the process of recapitulation. In that, you need to create a conscious intent as without one; that same experience will drain you even more. So, what was the experience and what were my intentions when I revisited those emotional experiences?
Through positive affirmations, visualization, meditation, exercise, connecting with my higher self, and the divine, I recalled all that energy for the intention listed below.
“I forward this reclaimed energy to fuel my higher self and purpose in life.”
As I mentioned above, I am a 6x author, empowerment speaker, Spiritual Life and Health and Wellness coach, and in my second year of graduate school. I used all that recaptured energy to create who I am today, and you can do the same. Let us talk about recap question.
Recap Questions At the end of each day, recap all experiences. Never allow experience or emotions to go unprocessed. Ask and answer these questions in your journal.
What is good about this?
What is this here to teach me?
What are the facts about this
What am I choosing to think
about this situation?
If this was happening
“for” me, why might that be?
Who do I choose to be as I
experience or go through this situation?
How can I use this situation to
demonstrate my values and my character?
Who do I want to be as I go
How do I want to feel and what
can I do to feel this way?
What strengths do I have that
will help me through this?
Within recapitulation, once must understand that forgiveness is aligned. The process of recapitulation is synonymous to forgiveness. Go here for my audio soul coaching on forgiveness.
In essence, to reap the benefits from recapitulation, one must create an intent and then revisit the experience. If you do not create a conscious intent, you will find more emotional injury and lose more energy. The same goes with forgiveness; when you reflect on those emotionally challenging or draining experiences, you have to be willing to find something positive so that you can use that reclaimed energy to fuel your higher self. In essence, you are releasing what no longer serves you a purpose, embracing what does and feeding your higher self.
Thank you for reading. Please share with your family and friends so they can reclaim their energy and direct into something meaningful and purposeful. If you require more assistance with reclaiming your energy, please complete the form below.
Thank you for stopping by as always my goal is to inspire and transform your life using my life’s experiences, education and wisdom.
An emotionally bankrupt man is one who is emotionally disconnected from himself. What’s more, he has no idea how to emotionally connect with a woman or support her emotions. He is disconnected from his deepest self that which is his emotions or spirit. So, in essence, you are faced with his little self, or the one who can sex you all day and night, spend tons of money on you, walk out on you in the middle of your tears and become angered during any communication. At no fault of the man is he emotionally abusive or absent, and to his ignorance, he has no idea how his perception of what a man is, is extremely far away from the God in him.
His perception of what a man is is based on the societal construct and that is being muscular, hard, tough, unemotional, hard-working or paying bills, packing a gun, and a big dick. The latter will only land you in jail or in the hospital for overworking yourself. He associates being emotional with being a “bitch.” And so I guess we were all “bitches” at birth as we all cried. The sad part is that some women actually believe men who cry or express emotions are in fact bitch-like or too girly, due to their own ignorance or social coma. The man has been programmed to be “hard” robotic and emotionless and unfortunately, there are many women with the same characteristics. Needless to say, a bitch is a female dog, and the last time I checked we are human beings, not four-legged animals. Humans need to feel and be balanced.
A balanced man or woman is someone who feels, is intimate -that has nothing to do with sex- faces fears, knows how to communicate without anger, or becoming defensive like a victim. He also does not run from himself during an argument, yes from himself, as it is not you that he runs out on, but his inability to communicate effectively and healthily. His anger and imbalance scares him and for those who do not run; swing. A balanced man is one who is self-aware, emotionally intelligent, has integrity, wants to heal, creates harmony, open to intuition, and responsible for his thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. He does not blame and is not afraid to be vulnerable. Even if he does not have those characteristics he is OPEN to learning and growing through a balanced woman. He does not fear her, nor does he behave like a little boy with his mother. He receives and grows.
I am not saying that women possess these characteristics as #most do not, however, the man’s idea of what a man is, is so out of alignment with his soul that he will never heal or even listen to what the Universe has provided him with to help him heal. He is too busy chasing titties and ass, money and conquering women and running from himself. He believes when a woman attempts to redirect, help or teach him to a better path, she is controlling him. And for the sake of him never being wrong, his “cop out” will always be ‘you are trying to control me or run things.’ You see he has had enough of women and more importantly his mother, telling him what to do, or not being there emotionally for him as a child. So when he lashes out, he is really lashing out at his controlling and emotionally absent momma or some other authoritative female in his childhood. You are not the issue. He has become his absent mother, father or guardian.
His tough exterior or attitude, and inability to admit when he is wrong, hears what he wants to hear and not what is said, leads to constantly creating discord as he has been programmed to believe that nurturing and elevation is control. What’s more instead of admitting he is wrong he would rather argue. To be wrong is to be dumb or stupid as that is what the European educational system and workforce taught him and everybody else. The same system that taught him what it means to be a man.
What’s more, you are doing yourself and everyone that loves you a disservice. It is time to feel thereby heel. Women deserve all of you and not just the broken parts of you. You do not have to survive anymore. Permit yourself to live, to thrive, to feel, to be authentic without judgment.
By no means is this blog to offend or defend anyone; rather my expression of having dealt with and coached many emotionally detached men. At some point, men will have to break down in order to break through. Otherwise, women will only meet his little fearful self and not the courageous God within. As long as men remain emotionally disconnected from themselves, the risk of heart attacks, cancer and strokes are near. If you are not feeling, what are you expressing? Anger, and behind anger lies pain. An angry heart is a heart attack.
Love is THE healer gentlemen. Stop being afraid of it. Open up to receive and allow the woman that loves you, to help you. She is more than a night sweat. Lastly, no woman has to continue dealing with emotionally absent men. It is very unfair and selfish to ask. You have a choice; the same energy you put into making your money, partying, sexing, eating or whatever, is the same energy you need to use to heal your heart and create your authentic self. The one who feels, faces his fears, is vulnerable and intimate.
This describes a good portion of men. As it relates to connecting to feminine energy. ~Okera Hollis, Author
Your article is poignant and timely! It will take a man to first own his deficits and then If he chooses, let the healing begin! I know a lot of these type of brothers!! ~Khalid Scott, Social Worker Extraordinare
Good article; There will always be a difference between a male and a Man. Much of what you mentioned has to do with the common male experience. Many of our brothers are uninitiated into the Path of a Man, therefore, the sacred masculine can’t be revealed within them. ~Timothy Glenn, Awakened Magi
Thank you for reading and please share your thoughts below. If you desire help to heal, please complete the form below.
Thank you for stopping by as always my goal is to inspire and transform your life using my life’s experiences, wisdom, and knowledge.
Are you a good woman or just a beautiful woman who
confuses the two. I consider myself both, however, I wasn’t always, but I have
learned over the years. Many women think to be a good lady, involves shopping,
cooking, and cleaning, well not many men
will agree and neither do I. Reason being is because some men are domesticated
as well and some are better at it than women. So allow me to share my Top 10
Characteristics of a Good Woman and if I leave any out, feel free to share. Not
in any particular order.
Forgiving. It’s difficult to be a part of any relationship and not have a forgiving heart. To hold onto pain is to hold anger in your heart, so how can you love or be a good woman, with an unforgiving heart. A forgiving heart is necessary since we know men make mistakes. I’m not speaking of those who like to sleep around or men who abuse women. I’m talking about common mistakes in relationships like maybe he came home too late and didn’t call. Maybe he forgot it was your birthday or your anniversary as those are situations that warrant forgiveness. Also, if your man cheats, and you decide to stay with him, the ultimate goal is to forgive him, not punish him, otherwise, end the relationship, because you both will be miserable.
Listener /Knows when to be Quiet We all know women have got to have the last word as well as we always have something to say, well most of us. So here’s the thing, when your man is talking, be quiet and listen, don’t interrupt him, listen attentively and respond respectfully. Choose your arguments carefully and of course, speak when spoken too. When you know you are wrong, just hold your tongue and apologize. The one thing that will drive any man crazy is a woman’s mouth and the lashing of her tongue. Be gentle; your tongue is not heavy, so you should be capable of holding it.
Faithful. No need to elaborate too much on this one. But, no man wants a cheating or disloyal woman. When a woman cheats, more than likely he will leave. The thought of another man touching his woman, is a no, no. So ladies, if you feel the need to cheat, just leave, be single. Not to mention that’s a sign of not being ready for commitment.
Supportive. Men have dreams just as women do and they need support, maybe his dream is not yours, but a good woman would help him, whether he fails or not. It’s not all about him supporting you in the relationship; it’s give and take. He needs to know that when all else fails, you will be there to support him. I don’t mean support him as in, take care of him, but have his back, make sure he comes home to a supportive woman, who will help him wind down, from a hard day or simply tell him, “I got you baby.”
Patience. A patient woman is one who can wait for her man when he says “he will take care of it” Now, I’m not that great at this one, but hey I’m not perfect. At any rate, no man wants a woman who rushes him or is always in a hurry, or cant’ wait a few moments or day or two to get something done. Also, a patient woman understands nothing happens on her accord.
Motivator. Some men appreciate a woman who can motivate him towards success, not only that; some men need a push here and there to give them a kick-start in areas where they may not be as strong. Encourage your man to reach for the stars. Do not degrade him of project your fears onto him or refuse to support his dreams because you don’t see it for you.
Driven. I cannot speak for all men, but I know most men love a driven woman. She has a purpose in her life and will not allow anything or one to stop her. She is far from lazy, and her ambitious drive adds to her sexiness. Her man knows she will get things done.
Respectful. No man wants a rude woman, this relationship will end quickly. Learn to respect your man’s wishes, thoughts, dreams, and ambitions. If you disrespect the man you say you love, he will eventually disrespect you. Learn to humble yourself and diffuse situations that you may readily be tempted to lash out.
Confident/ Secure. A confident woman is a certain lady as she will not accuse her man of doing everything under the sun. Her self-worth leads her to a stable mind, and with that, she knows it would be his loss if he betrays her. She also does not need to question his every where-about since she has a life to lead herself. She is sure of her role as well as being an amazing woman. She will not cause unnecessary stress to herself or her relationship on pretenses and a wandering mind.
Sexually Inclined. Every man wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. She has no problem with taking her sexual relationship to great heights with her man. She will rock his world in every sexual way imaginable, leading to a nose wide open. She is not ashamed to express her sexual appetite and explore new sexual adventures. She is a sexual Goddess.
In essence, there are much more characteristics that defines an amazing woman. However, these are the ones I thought were important. A beautiful woman is easy to find, but a good woman is not all that easy. A pretty face and a thin waste will only attract a man who wants sex. But a woman who presents with the mentioned characteristics will attract a man who can appreciate her. If you want an amazing and great man, then you need to present your amazing and great self.
Thank you for reading and if you like to add more characteristic of a good woman, please do so below. If you desire assistance to create your best self, please complete the form below.
Thank you for stopping by as always my goal is to inspire and transform your life using my life’s experiences, wisdom, and knowledge.
A dear friend of mine posted a meme on Facebook that stated, “the first fifty years of childhood are always the hardest.” I agree as what most of us do not understand is unless your inner child has healed, is happy and feels safe, life will always appear to be harder than what it is. That meme inspired this blog.
The questions I’d like to ask are; did you experience a wonderful childhood? If so, chances are, you are close and integrated with that creative and childlike person within your adult self. If by chance, you consider your childhood as lacking, painful or neglectful, you would have possibly experienced one or more of the following.
Mental Abuse: Ignored by parents Constantly punished Not nurtured by parents Too many high expectations Being put down or rejected Exposed to unhealthy behaviors Not embraced by parents/guardians
Experiencing mental abuse leaves a child hopeless as they will develop deep-rooted anger issues and fears from unresolved childhood pain. More than likely, you probably suffered addictions like drugs and alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc. These addictions are an unhealthy way of coping and provide a sense of comfort and safety in your adult life as your inner child feels unsafe. Also, you probably developed physical or mental dis-eases.
Physical Abuse: Lack of affection (kisses, hugs) The absence of food and shelter Slapped, kicked, punched, bitten and any form of violence Violent behaviors Unprotected sex Addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, etc. Physical neglect of self, e.g., compulsive eating, or unhealthy eating habits
Physical safety is one of the most nutritious elements of a loving relationship. We witness this all the time when we see parents showing affection and providing food and shelter to their children. In the presence of physical abuse, the following occurs
Emotional Abuse: Isolating Humiliating Yelling or swearing Ignoring or excluding Threats and intimidation Name calling or insults; mocking Lack of shared love, support, and protection Lack of emotional support from parents or guardians Disapproval or rejection of your emotional expressions Denial of the abuse and blaming the victim
Experiencing emotional abuse leads to the inability to access your self-worth and esteem and with that you are more likely not to express, respect or believe your emotions or needs are essential. You may hide or avoid your feelings as you revert to your unwanted child as a way to protect yourself. You probably developed physical or emotional dis-ease as you have ignored your emotions for too long. Your feelings are a direct connection to the best part of you, that which is your spirit and needs nurturing, and to be expressed, and respected. Otherwise, you revert to the neglected child within you and create an imbalance within your body. Lastly, you will be emotionally disconnected as there is no self-connection.
Sexual Abuse: Rape or attempted rape Unwanted kissing or touching Sexual insults toward someone Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity Sexual promiscuity, withdrawal or dysfunction Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity Pressuring someone to have sex or perform sexual acts Sexual contact with someone who is under the influence of a controlled substance or otherwise incapable of consent
To me, sexual abuse is by far one of the worst experiences anyone can ever endure. This form of abuse leaves a child feeling an entire list of unhealthy emotions, patterns, and behaviors.
Fear Untrustworthy Loss of control Helplessness Anger and blame Shock/ Numbness Changes in how we view trust Promiscuity, withdrawn or sexual dysfunction Inability to access self-worth, esteem, and confidence Self-blame/guilt for “allowing” the crime to happen Dissociation or disconnection from life (inability to function in the real world)
In essence, any form of abuse projected onto a child creates one hell of an inner child to deal with as we reach adulthood. However, please understand this, while some, or maybe many of our problems stem from childhood neglect; blaming, self-pity and un-forgiveness will never benefit our mind, body or soul. Your parents were more than likely victims of the same behaviors they projected onto you as otherwise how would they know. We are creatures of recreating our childhood energy.
Personally speaking, I am very familiar with all forms of abuse, and for decades my inner child was in charge, and not only wreaked havoc on me but my relationships, finances, health and wellness, career/life purpose, sexuality, spirituality, and home life. You will witness my childish behaviors during my adult years as stated in my books, Perfectly Planned and Overcoming Toxic Relationships. Moving forward; how do you know when your child is present, and your adult is dormant?
There are certain behaviors that a child exhibits that an adult would not participate in under normal circumstances. Imagine dealing with a child; it’s like trying to manage a stray bullet; it will not be easy. When you spend time with your child, you witness this with their ability to express themselves and tell you exactly what they want, and if your feelings are hurt, they have no idea, yet more then often adults take it personally. Looking back when my son was three years old, I recall being in Walmart, and he wanted more toys. I refused to purchase what he wanted and my goodness, that kid was on the floor kicking and screaming. Had I gave in to him, he would have used that tantrum-like behavior for many years to come. I recall when my son was four years old and we were in Walgreen. We walked past the “Ped Egg” (used for removing feet callouses), and out of nowhere, my son said, “Ma you need to get that for your foot.” Wow, was I embarrassed? (lol) For the most part, children are free, creative, spontaneous and impulsive while lacking the ability to think first as they act and react.
As we become adults, we believe our inner child is dead and gone, I beg to differ, your inner child is alive, kicking and screaming while ruining your relationships. Imagine a time in your life when you were emotionally overwhelmed or just felt stressed out. More than likely, you reverted to your childhood behaviors to get your needs met. Here’s an example from my book Overcoming Toxic Relationships. I visited my ex-boyfriend at his home, (we were still sleeping together) and he refused to let me in because he had company. I was furious as I wanted to go in and see who was his company. The idea of him having another woman in the house enraged me so while talking to him through his basement window; I kicked it in. Stop right there. Destruction of any property will land your ass in jail. And that is where I was about fifteen minutes later.
Children are careless when they are angry as they have no idea how to express or control their emotions. A mature adult would have paused and thought about the consequences. So guess what, my inner child surfaced and landed me in jail. How do I know that was my inner child? Because, when I was a child, I behaved the same way out of anger. I would break things or become destructive. The list below explains the difference between adult behavior and child-like behavior.
Adult Behavior versus Child-like Behavior
Blaming– Children blames others when things go wrong. Children don’t even understand what accountability means. Adults are accountable as they look to fix the problem, so it doesn’t happen again. Adults know that in every situation, both parties have to look at self. Think of a time when you blamed someone knowing you were responsible. What if you took accountability? What would you have learned?
Reactive– Children react as they respond to a situation rather than becoming proactive or creating a better outcome. Children don’t have the cognitive ability to think about consequences. Adults are proactive and work to create a result that works for both parties. How does this look? Think of a time when you reacted to a situation or stimulus (trigger), and the outcome was worse than the situation. If you had thought first, what would you have done differently?
Hasn’t Accessed Higher or Other Self (Egotistical)– Children that lack maturity does not understand the higher self or realize when they have stepped out of line or disrespected their values or beliefs. Hence, the reason they blame others as they are incapable of “seeing” their ways of error. As an adult, how many times have you blamed someone else for your emotional outburst or irrational behaviors? Children do not understand their “higher” self. Mature adults recognize when their behaviors are out of line, will revisit the situation, apologize where necessary and be accountable. Grown-ups understand that the Ego or “little self” is reactive, destructive and more importantly, self-sabotage.
Impulsive– Children strike out when they feel hurt or mad. They speak carelessly and behave irrationally without thinking about the potential consequence. Adults pause and resist the temptation to spit venom on others. Adults maintain their love and understanding. They work through the issue while seeking a beneficial outcome. Think of a time when you felt hurt or mad and impulsively reacted without thinking about the consequences. Did you cause more pain?
Does not listen– Children refuse to listen as they are rebellious as they interrupt others when talking. Children don’t realize that when they do not listen, they are creating a problem for themselves. Also, children don’t understand the value behind listening. Adults are prepared to learn as they know there is always a lesson and they respect others viewpoints.
Lies– Children lie to save themselves or others, but adults are honest as they understand lies destroy everything. What’s more, adults realize they have nothing to fear by being honest as they do not have to protect themselves from anyone. The truth always sets you free even if that means, ending a relationship because of your lies; you are now free to be single and lie to yourself or no one at all.
Defensive– Children use defense mechanism to protect themselves and get what they want. Children are quick to accuse and say, I did not do or say that. Adults use defense mechanisms like listening and problem-solving.
Problem-Focused: Children are not solution oriented as they have no idea how to address any issue, so they will carry on for days talking about a problem, never once thinking about how to solve it. Adults or mature adults are solutions focused as they realize focusing on problems will only create more. Mature adults understand the only way to move forward is to create a solution.
How many of the listed behaviors do you partake in as an adult? Be honest, so that you know when your inner child is present and so that you can heal your inner child, and prevent more sabotage. In those times listed above, your inner child will wreak havoc on your relationships, or even your life. People stressed out may rely on childhood behaviors to get their needs met. Hence, when one is stressed out, they are not in their “right” mind. For adults who were not adequately nurtured or made to feel safe in childhood, their inner child will behave destructively throughout adulthood. Even in the absence of childhood trauma, we all have an inner child that needs to be loved and kept in check.
Healing Your Inner Child
Open up and Connect– Allow people in and be willing to unite, remove the fear. Fear will only stunt your emotional growth thereby, slowing the growth and healing of your child. Be vulnerable as it is a great place to be. Don’t worry about what people will say or think of you. Allow people in so that you can grow as people show up in your life to teach you about you, not them.
Remember Your Inner Child- What was he or she like? Write it down, so you know when your inner child is present and dominating your life. Be aware of who he or she was. Was he or she smart, scary, fearless, loud, soft-spoken, outspoken, talkative, shy, etc.? Who were you as a child? Remember that person and be able to differentiate between your adult and inner child. Trust me, he or she exists and is waiting for the moment to show up and show off.
Embrace Your Child– Your inner child lives and when someone says you are behaving immature, know that it is your inner child they speak of and that is okay. All children are naive. Embrace that little person and protect him or her. Embrace him or her. Love him or her. Speak positive about your inner child and express love and compassion for your little person. Make your inner child feel safe and loved.
Hun Fun/Play-What did you like to do when you were a kid? Did you want to play jump rope, play basketball, swim, watch cartoons; what brought you joy as a child? Allow him or her to come out and play. Dance like no one is watching. I know you did as a child. I did and still do today. Your inner child needs to laugh until their stomach hurts. Do you remember laughing so hard your stomach hurt? Whatever you wanted to do as a child and could not; do it today.
Provide a supportive, loving and nurturing life for self– If you are living in a toxic or neglectful environment today as an adult, you are not helping your inner child’s healing. What’s more, you are adding more pain and misery on top of your childhood pain. Be kind to yourself. Know your worth. Believe in you. Eat right and exercise. Relax and detox your mind, body, and soul. Take care of you as no one else will.
Remove the Victim Mindset– What happened in your childhood and if it were anything like mine, I understand why you would be afraid to open up and love, have fun, trust, love self and remember. It might just be too painful; however, today, you are not a victim. You are not a child as you are an adult. You have the power to create what you want in your life, but, believing you are a victim, disappointments will always arise. You are a creator so be careful what you allow in your life. If more pain occurs, be accountable and see what you could have done differently. Don’t let your inner child blame anyone for your choices as they are creations. You are not a victim, and only a child would behave as one. Go out and live. Remove the fear and trust the process of life. No one is doing anything to you. Remember, you are the creator of your life. So, if you want a better life, choose and create better experiences.
Cry, Release, Express– Allow your child to feel pain, cry, and release. Don’t ever deny your inner child the opportunity to release pain. Crying is a sign of life. Hence, it was the first thing you did at birth. It is one hundred percent okay to cry and express how you honestly feel and that is even if it hurts someone else. Don’t sacrifice self or harbor unhealthy emotions for the sake of others. Release those old emotions, or your inner child will release them on someone else.
Hang Out With Your Children– Spend quality time with your kids and be free. Let them teach you how to do the latest dance moves. Watch the movies they like to watch. Allow them to be who they are, and you will develop a special appreciation for children, therefore, appreciating your inner child. Trust me, my son and my inner child have the best times together. My teenager enjoys my son. My son is 17 today, and I am still healing my inner-child and learning through my son.
In essence, as long as your inner child is afraid and suffering, you can expect to experience difficult and painful relationships. To heal your inner child, you must love and accept self, all of you, flaws and all. You have to see that you are lovable, valuable and filled with greatness, and take steps to affirm that in your life.
Daily affirmations– I am worthy. I love and honor my inner child. I am safe, supported and loved. I am abundance and joy. I am beautiful and happy. You can also work on removing destructive habits and pessimistic mindsets and replacing them with positive ones, treating, acknowledging and rewarding yourself, self-care, exercise, self-dates, as well as understanding your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Understand and respect what makes you happy and what makes you sad. Stay true to yourself and stay in your lane.
Thank you for stopping by as always my goal is to empower and transform your life using my personal experiences, education and wisdom.
My favorite wine were Sauvignon Cabernet or Merlot and my favorite alcohol were Jameson Irish Whiskey with Ginger Ale.
I divorced alcohol and wine. We no longer have a relationship. Here I thought it would be difficult to do. I thought I was addicted to alcohol and if I listened to other people, I would have taken on their opinion or experience. I was out having a cigar last night and everybody in there had a fifth of my once favorite drink, Jameson Irish Whiskey. You would have thought it was a conspiracy against me or a test. I had no desire to drink, although my ego, was like, “gone and have a drink” and I kindly told my ego to kiss my ass, seriously as it was an internal conversation. I moved on and drank my chamomile and cinnamon tea.
While sitting amongst all those who drank, all I could think about was when I went to sleep after a night of drinking wine or Irish Whiskey; my heart beat so fast and hard, I thought I was going to die. It was very scary, but even after experiencing that more than often on weekends, I continued to drink. I proceeded to destroy my body. My mindset shifted after my healing crisis and menopause.
If you are aware of the severe health crisis I experienced two years ago, you would have an idea of why I divorced alcohol and wine. In short, I suffered from symptoms such as hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, alopecia, polyps, diverticulitis. Early stage heart disease and obesity and all from an overgrowth of candida yeast, sugar, processed foods, GMO’s and lack of exercise. After healing my body, I went right back to drinking wine and eventually the wine led to alcohol. I was very disappointed with myself as I vowed to stay away from hard liquor as it is nothing but poison. That is not to say; wine is any better as too much wine would put me on my ass.
On the weekends and sometimes during the week, I drank as I socialized and had cigars and I was so not happy with myself. I desired a sober body as I never asked for alcohol. It does not matter what I signed up for, but no one comes out of the wound asking to slowly kill themselves. I wanted freedom from all the bondage, indoctrination and unhealthy habits I was introduced to as a child.
I talked to my husband and asked him to support me during the first 30 days and not drink when we were out. He agreed. My last drink was on Thanksgiving 2018, until, December 6th, when my sister-friend learned her daughter died. I had my tea, but of course my friend insisted on me having one sip with her to celebrate her daughter’s life. It felt like adult peer pressure (lol). That one drink led to two more drinks and when I went to sleep my heart pounded through my chest. I felt sad, guilty and disappointed all at the same time. But, that was a great lesson. What I learned was, one glass of wine leads to two glasses and eventually some alcohol even if it’s weeks down the roas. I am so not interested in that lifestyle anymore.
So far, I have gone three weekends without one drink and that matters because I was a weekend drinker. I looked forward to having a cocktail and cigar on the weekend. I know you might say, the cigar is no better. Well, I chose the cigar, the alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana was introduced to me as a child.
I look forward to this upcoming weekend as I maintain sobriety. It feels good to go out on the weekend and feel the same way or better as I did when I awake after laying down; no hangovers, no brain fog, and no feeling guilty for poisoning my body
I started regularly drinking when I was about 21years young as I partied every weekend. I won’t lie, I had some fantastic times. But, after 25 years or drinking, my body no longer tolerates any alcohol as it did before. What’s more, being in menopause is a crisis in itself for my body. I have what I call menopausal ass and thighs. After I released 46 pounds during my healing crisis, I wondered why the weight packed on so quickly, so I did more research on menopause and purchased an exercise program and meal plan from a doctor who focuses on women in menopause. What I learned was astounding and guess what, the liquor did not help as it prevents the liver from burning fat like it would in its absence. Since I have stopped drinking, and using my, and eating program, I feel a difference in my overall being. Of course menopause can just go jump, but for the most part, the excess ass, thighs, and belly are releasing.
Alcohol has been my way of life all my adult life. It was how I celebrated with friends, attended social gatherings; holidays, funerals, summertime in the Chi, dinner parties and any other gathering I attended; there was always alcohol. I became conditioned to living with alcohol and now I am conditioning myself to live without it. I won’t lie, I sure do miss Jameson, but today, I love my body and it deserves better. The anxiety was real as I imagined how difficult it would be to live without alcohol. My relationship with alcohol was a cool one, but overall, unhealthy as it does the body no good.
Today, I release all those things that no longer serve me a purpose and especially those things I did not ask for. So long Jame, Caber and Merlot. It has been a great journey, but at 47 years young, I must live the next 47, not just living but living healthily. Until we meet again, I will have a cabinet full of herbal teas prepared to substitute for you.
Well, this is my journey and it’s been a pleasuresharing with you. Thank you for reading. Please comment below and share with your drinking buddies. (-:
If you need assistance removing all things that no longer serves you a purpose, please leave your information below. Happy Healing
Acknowledge the thought: It is impossible to release a negative thought if you refuse to acknowledge that it exists. The purpose of recognizing the idea is to become aware of what you think. More importantly, there are no negative behavior w/o first negative thoughts. Acknowledge your thinking by merely saying “I hear you” and then replace it with a positive impression.
Replace the negative thought with a positive one: When you have an idea that states you are “fat” or “you will never be happy,” counteract that thought by saying “I am thin and healthy” and I am always happy. Do not entertain the thought by creating an emotion as it will become your belief or life. Thoughts become things, as they always follow a feeling that produces more energy surrounding the idea and brings it into fruition or a thoughtform.
Ask yourself: What am I thinking and what am I feeling: The goal behind this is to bring your mind back to the present moment. Generally, when we are in deep thought, it is because we are focused on the past or future and neither one of them are more important than the present moment. So ask yourself, “What am I thinking?” Asking yourself the question above, empowers you to become conscious and redirect your thoughts on something more positive. Then ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Again, empowering you to become conscious of any unhealthy emotions you may have created from the negative thought.
Don’t internalize other people’s thoughts: The last thing you should do is internalize what someone else thinks of you and make it yours. In the past, there were probably people who spoke negative of you, and you believed them. Well, that is internalizing their thought or opinion of you. What others think of you is their business, not yours. Don’t attach to what other’s say about you as it belongs to them, not you.
Speak affirmations into your life: If you want to release negative thoughts, speak positive affirmations in your life. Use the two most powerful words; I AM.
I am beautiful
I am wealth
I am health
I am supported by the Universe
I love and approve of myself
I believe in myself and my abilities
I always make the right choices
I learn from my mistakes and trust myself
Try those daily and add some others that represent your feelings. What follows “I am” will follow you.
Don’t take the thought seriously: Too many of us allow our minds to wander off and w/o any facts to support our ideas, we take them seriously. Have you ever witnessed someone go from smiling to frowning? Imagine what he or she is thinking about and how that person’s thoughts have changed their entire mood. Thoughts are just that, and you can analyze yours and decide if you want to take it seriously or counteract with positive energy.
Don’t blame others for your negative thinking: Placing blame denies you the opportunity to learn from pain and experiences. When you have negative thoughts, it is because you choose to think negative or was conditioned to it as a child. More than half of our daily views are negative, and you can consciously choose to think positive. But, please do not blame others for your negative thought process. Maybe you were raised in a negative environment and just carried that energy to your adult life, but no-one is responsible for you creating negative thoughts. Be accountable for your negative mindset and that way you have the power to change it.
Smile: Smiling is contagious, and when you smile more, it’s evident that smiles are accompanied with positive mindsets unless you’re sarcastic. When you smile it sends a signal to the brain supports our feeling of joy. Smiling is like eating chocolate, or having sex as they induce pleasure or “feel good.” Smile more as it stimulates positive thoughts and excitement.
Surround yourself with positive people: We’ve heard this time and time again, and most people do not follow this simple rule. Negative minded people rub off on you. Transfer of energy is real, and when people are filled with negative thoughts, they speak contrary and eventually you will begin to think and converse just like them. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can neither be destroyed, nor created, but it can be transferred. Surround yourself with positive thinking people as they transfer positive energy.
List 10 things you are grateful for right now: I’m alive I have good health I have wealth I help others heal I understand forgiveness I have compassion for others I have access to an abundance I have a beautiful son I have a wonderful husband I have food, clothes, and shelter
Make it a great day…
Thank you for reading. I hope this blog has empowered you to create a positive mindset. If you have enjoyed reading my blog, please share with your friends.
Thank you for stopping by as always, my goal is to empower and transform your life. April is Sexual Abuse Awareness Month as my goal is to raise awareness and help you heal. After experiencing sexual abuse, incest, being betrayed and deceived; trusting someone, primarily a male was tough for me. For many years, I kept a shield around me to protect myself. I was so afraid of being hurt that I never allowed anyone to get close. Sometimes, I subconsciously pushed people away because in my mind they were going to hurt or leave me. I was my own worst nightmare and definitely in my way. Today, I no longer have a problem trusting or opening my heart. In life, someone will always hurt us, however, that pain isn’t meant to be our demise, it is to strengthen and teach us. The ultimate goal is to forgive those who caused you pain and following, trusting is easy.
Sexual abuse is such a horrible act as a child your innocence is stolen. The world is no longer perceived as one would see it without the experience of sexual abuse. It can take years to define yourself as well as trust yourself. Trusting others is not the only mission to be accomplished after abuse, trusting self also needs to be achieved. As a victim of sexual abuse, you were either blamed, shamed and made to believe it’s your fault. Or you never told anyone, as you had no idea you experienced abuse. When this happens, your confidence is stolen and developing your identity is interrupted. That leads to low self-esteem, indecisiveness, lack of self-trust and trust for others. You may ask yourself how?
How can you begin to trust yourself if your first encounter with another person was a betrayal? Being blamed, makes you doubt yourself. What’s more, child abuse doesn’t last forever, and with that said, it ends. After the abuse stops, children feel like they did something wrong. That feeling of “doing something wrong” made you believe you made the wrong decision. But, in reality, children cannot and are not capable of making a sound decision to have sex. However, your abuser programmed you to believe it was your fault and since you were a child, manipulation and brainwashing were easy. The most important factor leading to trust others is to forgive. Forgiveness releases the pain, anger, and shame and with that, you regain your power. Once you regain your strength, the world no longer seems unsafe. It appears to be precisely what it is, a place where everyone makes mistakes whether by intent or not. Now you can open yourself up and not worry about being hurt because you are equipped with the power to move forward.
Trust is a very significant factor in a relationship, and I refuse to allow my past deceptions and abuse placed upon me to be the reason I can’t have a successful relationship. You should not either. Besides having a successful relationship, when we don’t trust we block blessings. Being afraid to let others in is a definite way to isolate yourself and that only leads to more misery. I encourage you to pray and or meditate and ask God to give you faith, trust, and understanding of what love is. As long as we live, someone will hurt us again, however, don’t be afraid of pain; embrace it as your key to the next level of strength. In essence, if you have been betrayed and have trust issues, I ask you to walk and live by faith. We cannot concern ourselves with the motives of others, nor can we live in fear. The only actions you can control are yours. So start trusting, have faith and spare yourself some unnecessary mental anguish.
START YOUR HEALING TODAY Contact me for more details 773.419.3070 Transforming Lives Worldwide AND If you aren’t busy on Sunday, April 22nd, please click here to attend ourSilence No More Seminar
Thank you for reading, and please leave your comments below.