Emotionally Closed: An emotionally closed person doesn’t know how to express their emotions or refuses to, and is afraid of his or her feelings. And yes, women can be emotionally unavailable as ironic as it seems, I have numerous female clients who have no idea how to express their emotions in a positive way or without anger. So, this is not a male trait, but more so based on your upbringing and conditioning. What’s more, parents inadvertently teach their kids that their feelings are not real; what does that mean? During childhood, when a parent tells a child to shut up and stop crying, (especially boys) or that didn’t hurt, that leaves a child with a false sense of “I don’t have to feel.” In essence, as the child becomes an adult, he or she doesn’t understand expressing emotions or feeling them; they never have or haven’t been allowed. However, there are those who only live in fear; fear of getting hurt, so they refuse to share or be vulnerable. Refusing to share or inability to be vulnerable leads to a communication barrier and will destroy any relationship. Not only that, intimacy does not exist, and without the ability to share who you are and your deepest emotions, your partner does not know who you are. Then it becomes a matter of sleeping with a stranger.
Physically Absent: Your significant other is never home with you as working two jobs or hanging his or her friends is more important. He or she comes back when you are sleep or busy, or stays in the basement or garage. These are red flags that he or she is also emotionally unavailable. If he or she isn’t there physically, they certainly can’t be there emotionally. Most men are taught to work hard, bring the check home and be quiet. Well, that is the conditioning you see today among millions of guys. I mean, there are some domesticated men, but, for more the most part, a man’s “assignment” in a relationship is to provide and protect. Man cannot protect anyone if he is never home. The absence of his presence is also a sign of his lack of interest and inability to relate to a woman. Unless a woman is only interested in taking your check, she will request your presence. My husband Patrick attempted to work two jobs as he had no idea how to relate to a woman other than sexually. I shut that down quickly. I need my man home with me sometimes, well; I’m spoiled, so more than sometimes. On the contrary, if a woman is never home, you already know that relationship ended before it began as women are known to be at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, and waiting for our Kings, after her eight hours of work. Men are not necessarily taught to relate to the feminine energy or the woman. They have been shown to relate to her body parts so it might be wise to assist your man in relating to your brain, emotions, kitchen skills, hobbies, desires and anything else that doesn’t involve being on your back. Does any of this sound familiar, if so, revisit a time in your childhood where your father was either absent or never home as you simply recreated the same energy.
Controlling: I don’t need to explain this as it is self-explanatory, but I will. Everybody wants to control everything. We want to control our children, our bosses, our spouses, the red light, the microwave, time and even decisions that do not affect us. The only thing or person you need to control is you. Not to mention, those you attempt to control will eventually end that relationship. We need to relax more and let things be. Instead of trying to control someone else, why not look in the mirror and figure out if that person is “mirroring” something in you as those in our lives are not there by mistake. We are all mirrors of each other. Trying to control someone expresses a principal amount of immaturity, insecurities, and fear. What’s more, controlling people do not want others to feel good because it takes away their control and draws the attention away from them. Pay attention to you and stop trying to control others or you will find yourself alone. At what point in your childhood did your life feel out of control and you desired to “fix” everything? Go back and nurture that “little” person who felt the need to control everything in their environment in order to feel safe. That little person felt like no one could do anything right and he or she wanted to take over and control or “fix” everything.
Blames Others: Have you ever experienced someone who blamed you for something, and you have no idea how you became involved. For instance, you are the reason they are angry or don’t trust anyone, or the tree fell, or the tire fell off the car. Have you? Because I have experienced being blamed by my ex for him being late for work and I wasn’t even in his house. At any rate, why do we blame? We blame to avoid looking at and dealing with self. It’s easy to blame and for some odd reason hard to look at self. It’s more beneficial to look at self than blame others as it makes room for growth. People who blame are victim-minded and believe something is always happening to them. They have no idea where their faults come from because they refuse to search within their past experiences. Refusing to self-reflect is grounds for termination of any relationship, business and personal alike. When was the last time you blamed someone? Did you ever stop to think that in order to blame someone; you had to be in the experience which makes you accountable; not at fault, but accountable. Go back in your childhood to a time where you told your mom or dad about an experience. Maybe Billy or Keisha punched you at school or maybe the teacher yelled at you. Your parent visited the school and reinforced your victim mindset. They yelled at the teacher, wanted to beat up little Keisha or Billy and never once asked what was your role. Your parents reinforced your behavior to blame and never look at self or how you showed up to the experience.
Competition: One of the most important rules of marriage or a relationship is to recognize that you and your spouse/partner are on the same team, or at least you should be. Competing with others is a behavior learned from the time we enter school, or sometimes home, and that has to halt within relationships as competing can be a real enemy. There is no room for partners to make comparisons about each other or compete. When your partner is on your side or not competing with you, he or she will cheer you on when you excel at something. Have you ever competed with your mate? Do you feel a sense of resentment when your mate accomplishes something big or small? Do you get an attitude when you lose a game? If this is you, you might want to revisit a time in your childhood when you competed with someone, won and felt a sense of empowerment afterward, or gained you the attention you lacked at home or made you feel “good.” At the root level, competing is a sign of insecurities.
Selfish: This person lacks consideration for others and is only concerned with their profit or pleasure. Selfish people never give in as they will never apologize. They are only concerned with their feelings, life, and overall well-being. You cannot expect a selfish person to understand your needs. Do you always have to have the last piece of chicken or feel a frog in your throat when it’s time to apologize? Are you one of those people who would rather argue than apologize or defend yourself when you know the need for an apology is warranted? If you are that person, you might want to revisit a time in your childhood where you felt unimportant or unseen.